Everything always comes back to you
Throughout the deadlines, the sadness, the frustration, the choices and the fights
I put my shoes on and step out into you, and there you are, and there I am, and it is everything
It is with you that everything makes sense
It is with you that I feel like I could die or live because it doesn’t matter because I am with you
now
I know you are everywhere and in everything, somehow
But sometimes it’s hard to see you, sometimes it’s hard to feel you
Like there’s too many layers to sort through to get to you, mentally or physically
When I’m up here
In my apartment
Or in my to-do lists
Surrounded by cement and stone and anxieties and fears
Is everything I do for you?
I’ve always told myself that I wanted to protect you
But I think all I’ve wanted is to be with you
And the threat of losing you scares me so much
And it’s ridiculous to think I could protect you
When it’s you who’s always protected me
Maybe I’m just an environmentalist fraud
Maybe when I say I want to protect you, I just want to be able to see you in all your potential
glory
To smell you and feel you and hear you with nothing in our way
Maybe I’m just studying how to sustain you to make myself feel better
To pretend like I’m doing something amidst my hypocrisy and insincerity
People say what I’m studying is very important
For everyone
But all I am is selfish
I’m not doing it for them
But for me and you
There’s so much noise
And it gets a lot
And it’s not all bad noise either
But noise nonetheless
But when I’m with you
It gets really quiet
And all that remains is a feeling
A feeling that only me and you can touch
A hum that flows into you and out of me and into me and out of you
This is it
This is it